4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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