I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize