this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
