Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
