Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
