Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
