Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize