Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Randomize