my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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