Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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