walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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