Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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