I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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