Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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