Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
