I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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