the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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