I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
