I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
