fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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