Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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