as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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