I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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