Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
