he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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