Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
