can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
this boner is exhausting
He felt like a one man threesome
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
When did we convert life to cartoon?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
