using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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