Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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