so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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