OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
