A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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