Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The uberlube is also flammable
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
