Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
