i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
