So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
