My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
