Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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