Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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