In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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