omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
