there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
