Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
