Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Are we still banned from the library?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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