I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
