This is not my ceiling
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
