My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
