He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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