And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
