worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
