Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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