shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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