you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
