Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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