I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
