I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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