I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
