Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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