i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just gift wrapped bread.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
