I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize