Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
