I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
