he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
there's paper in my vomit.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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