i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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